How about a copy of the new Skins fanfic/book? That should make for some lols - for you!
But really anything by the American Idol stable of useless singers/aka tuneless dreck should go over well, no?
Or if you never want to see them again, figure out Lulu and print them a book of some of our favorites stories ;)

Please excuse my lack of helpfulness - I feel your pain love.
x sme